The Given of Grief

Existential Psychotherapy aims to look at the ways we cope with or defend against the anxiety created by all the givens that come with existing. Or in other words, how we deal with what it means to be.

An unavoidable aspect of being that comes up frequently with clients, though often unspoken and in the background, is the fact of loss. And with that loss comes the multifaceted and misunderstood reaction to any loss: grief.

Grief has been boiled down in our culture to generally refer to a 5-stage process following a death: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. While I’m all for naming processes to the extent it’s helpful, I’d like to just go ahead and blow this concept out of the water. It’s way too rigid, oversimplified, and I’ve seen it do more harm than good.

So let’s start over trying a different angle. 

Loss is a given that comes with existing. With existing comes change. Everything in existence arises and passes away, from thoughts, feelings and sensations all the way up to beliefs, abilities, lives or even societies. 

And with any loss comes our unique reaction to that loss, a reaction we can broadly call grief. This grief reaction to loss is above all (let’s say it loud): NORMAL. It is also diverse. Grief is not one thing, but looks different for every person and every loss.

Grief involves recognizing what we have lost, and the loss does not have to be at all related to death. We grieve in reaction to the loss of life, but also to the loss of jobs, relationships, periods of our lives, addictions that we are giving up, misconceptions that we’ve outgrown, unhelpful coping mechanisms, you name it. 

As part of grieving any loss, we experience a multitude of emotions, many of which may very well conflict with each other. We may feel sad, angry, relieved, confused, grateful, guilty, or numb all in the span of a half-hour. For a different loss, we may feel some, all, or none of these same emotions. And all of this is (let’s say it loud again): NORMAL. There is no “right” timeline for these emotions, no time by which they “should” go away. But like anything, they arise and they fade as we allow them to.

Another part of grieving any kind of loss involves determining everything that changes in our outlook and understanding as a result of the loss. Who are we without that which we have lost? How do we see the world differently? What new roles or abilities do we need to learn or adapt to as a result? Any loss changes the rhythm of our lives and we have to adjust to the new rhythm, both in practical and personal ways.

Let’s blow another couple of grief-related misconceptions out of the water, the ever-damaging ideas of “moving on” or “getting over”. Many a well-intentioned soul has expressed this idea in an attempt to support the bereaved. “You’ll find another…”, “Are you still upset about this?”, “Let’s get you off that couch and back to…”

We do not move on from any loss. We are too changed to do so. Instead, we move forward. We find a way to take the scars we’ve earned, the lessons we’ve learned, the new version of ourselves we are getting to know, and all other aspects of our grief journey with us into the future.

Since loss is a given that comes with being, so too then is grief. Grieving is not something our culture well-prepares us for, either navigating our own or supporting others with theirs. We are better prepared for acquisition, for earning, getting, having.

Part of what Existential Psychotherapy can help us with, then, is learning to better navigate this given of grief. We can find the support to recognize our losses, feel all the normal feelings that come with those losses, make meaning of ourselves and the world given the loss, and take with us the new version of us that emerges.

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