Is This Gratitude?

When I think of gratitude, my mind first goes to a simple practice of noticing the things I feel a certain pleasant feeling about.

If I take the time to do so, I can try to notice the things I like in my life and think, “Wow, I’m grateful for that, I really like that that’s the case”.

But I’m beginning to think that gratitude is so much more than this. I want to take that word and the idea behind it and stretch it out to include some things I’ve been noticing in sessions - experiences that I think could also rightly be called gratitude.

The Non-Toothache

While gratitude might include feeling good about the things we like in our life, this can feel like a limited well if we’re going through a particularly tough time in our lives and a lot is going wrong, or if depression or anxiety has blinders on our attention making it hard to notice the things that are going well.

When depression or anxiety are firmly in place, our mind tends to creatively come up with all the worsts - the worst thing that could happen, that might happen, that has happened.

I believe there’s actually an opportunity to turn this tendency on its head and tap into an endless well of gratitude.

I remember hearing a recorded talk years ago by Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh, where he talked about the practice of noticing his non-toothache. As he pointed out, it’s often not until we have a toothache that we realize how wonderful it is to not have a toothache.

I’ve definitely noticed this same thing myself whenever I’m feeling ill in any way. If I’ve got a stomach bug, a headache, or sinus infection, I just absolutely long for the days of being free of these and just feeling “normal”. 

But how often do we notice how great it feels to not have those kinds of pains or ailments when we’re not ill? When I stop to think about it, I can be grateful for all kinds of uncomfortable or painful things that aren’t happening right now. I don’t have a toothache. I don’t have a stomach bug. “There, but for the grace of God, go I.”

When the mind goes off-and-running on terrible or absurd what-if’s, we can take those creative catastrophes and actually find opportunities for gratitude in the recognition that they aren’t happening. You can even push the creativity of it to give yourself a little humorous distance from the what-if’s. There’s no asteroid hitting the Earth right now. There’s no black hole swallowing up the planet. There aren’t genetically engineered velociraptors brought back from extinction and running around town. We’re not being attacked by an invasion of sound-sensitive man-eating aliens. Any number of movie disasters like Jurassic Park or A Quiet Place aren’t happening. Or more realistically, I don’t have a toothache right now.

Angry Gratitude

I believe gratitude can also show up in ways we might not initially recognize, disguised as something else like anger.

For example, imagine that you find yourself feeling irritated with a friend or family member, and after reflection you realize you’re angry because your loved one is so obviously missing the mark. They can’t see the opportunities right in front of them, but irritatingly are distracted by their anxiety or irritability. They can’t see their own gifts, but frustratingly are distracted by their self-identified flaws. They aren’t able to be present or calm, because they are in their heads thinking about work.

What makes us angry about this? Probably several things, but is one of them because of the value we see in our loved one’s opportunities, gifts, and presence? Do we in part feel upset that they are overlooking things that we can clearly see are so valuable about them and their lives?

This aspect of the anger also seems like passion to me - passion for reaching potential, acting on opportunities, appreciating personal gifts, being present. I believe this anger/passion can become a vital kind of gratitude when brought to focus in our own lives.

In other words, can we take the importance we see in our loved one’s missed opportunities and see our own opportunities that we may be overlooking?

Can we allow ourselves to notice and appreciate our own gifts with the same force we wish our loved one could notice theirs?

Can we find our way to the presence and calm that we see is possible for our distracted friend or family member?

We can find passionate gratitude in those same things in us that we frustratingly wish those close to us could more readily see in themselves. It may be easier to notice these things in other people than in ourselves, but such noticing can become a reminder to turn around our focus and take stock of all that we are overlooking in our own lives that is of such great value.

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