Compassionate Curiosity
If there is one basic skill that therapy is meant to teach, I believe it would be this: Compassionate Curiosity.
When either depression or anxiety has the reins and is directing our thinking, then thoughts tend to pop up that lack curiosity.
We think we know what will happen next: “They’re going to…”, “I’m going to…”, “They’ll think…”, “It’ll just be…”
We think we know how to evaluate and explain what’s already happened: “I was too…”, “They thought that…”
Even the questions we ask ourselves aren’t really from curiosity, but just ways to shame or judge ourselves hidden in a question: “Why am I so…?”, “Why can’t I just…?”
The examples of the ways our thoughts try to jump to certainty about the past or future, about ourselves, others, or the world are potentially endless, but I think you get my point.
The path toward a more grounded state of mental health is paradoxically through the admittance to not knowing, and the willingness to turn to curiosity to find out. It is through being genuinely curious about ourselves, others, and the world that we find out what we need to know about ourselves in order to heal, what we need to know about others to improve our relationships, and what we need to learn about the world to keep up with its ongoing changes.
When we become curious about ourselves, we can learn what’s true about us prior to the perceptions and judgments of others, as well as prior to even our own judgments of others.
For example, when frustrated with ourselves about our anxiety, we might ask the question: “Why am I so anxious all the time?”
Imagine re-asking the same question, but actually being curious about that question. Are you anxious all the time? Or are you more anxious at some times, and less anxious at other times? Which times? What does anxiety feel like? Where do you feel it in your body? Does it move or stay static? Have you noticed people, places, activities, situations, or even times of day that tend to make it better or worse?
It is these kinds of questions that help us really know ourselves, and to hear the stories our mind and body are telling us, the communications coming from within us about what we need.
As another example, think about being frustrated in a relationship, with either a partner, a family member, or a friend: “Why are they always late?”
Now imagine asking the same question, but with curiosity. Really wonder what’s going on for the other person that might make them late. Is it really always, or are they ever early? Is it just certain things they tend to be late for? Are they distracted often recently because something is going on for them that you’re not aware of? Is there something they are struggling with that has their attention or time? What does it mean for them to be late, or to be early, or to be on time? Does each have a different feeling or meaning to them?
Being curious enough to find out allows us to better know the other, to hear their story, their experience of the world and themselves, and to hear about what they might like, want, or need.
If it is curiosity that helps us continually discover what is more truthfully the case, then it is compassion that allows us to find acceptance about what we discover. To be clear, acceptance is not the same thing as liking. Acceptance just means admitting to the fact that it is the case, whether we like it or not.
What curiosity leads us to know about ourselves may not necessarily be something we like. Maybe we are in fact anxious more than we’d like. Compassion allows us to accept this if it is what we discover, and find the motivation to care for ourselves in that place, to take action on our own behalf.
Similarly, curiosity about others may lead us to discover things we don’t like about them. Maybe they are in fact late more often than we’d like. Compassion allows us to accept that this is one of their struggles, as we all have our own struggles, and helps us find the motivation to care for them despite their struggles.
Therapy can help us notice the thoughts that rob us of our curiosity or compassion, and begin to practice this skill of Compassionate Curiosity. We can practice slowing down enough to become truly curious, to discover what’s really going on for us, to accept what we find, and to begin to take caring action on our own behalf.
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